…about God’s Story in Brandi

To be obedient to God sometimes means following a path that is unknown. God called me to enroll for my Master’s Degree in Christian Ministry a couple months ago. Recently as I have been evaluating the changes in my life, God has revealed to me the critical areas where Satan is attacking marriages and children -  where he attacked me.  I believe that through the circumstances of my life, I have gained a unique perspective  into the needs of women and children.  God has placed in my heart a huge desire to help those who find themselves in situations similar to those I experienced.

Looking back on my life, I have begun to see that I have been searching for Jesus since I was a child.  I attended different churches at different times but always seemed to fall back into my sinful life.  I always desired the feeling that I felt when I was first introduced to Jesus and church.  The feeling would only last while I was regularly attending church but I longed desperately to understand the source of that feeling and have it be a permanent part of my life.

My family was a well known and respected part of the community.  We attended church and presented a good Christian facade.  Home was a different matter.  I was abused by both my step-mother and my father.  I only saw my mother on holidays and a couple of weekends a month.  The only place I felt safe was the church and so I stayed attached as much as possible.  I tried to pray but couldn’t quite wrap my mind around how God could be real and worth worshipping and allow parents to do these things to a child.  My mind was filled with confusion.

I was made to leave home before my senior year of high school.  In a desperate attempt to graduate and fulfill my commitment to the Marine Corps, I joined a military high school and left my parents and home life behind. I quickly found myself feeling this undefined feeling again. I organized a baptism for the school and spoke of Jesus with minimal scriptural knowledge; just this feeling of hope, love and peace.  I attended that school from July to December and then in February I stepped onto Paris Island, South Carolina, and began my transformation into a United States Marine. We were able to go to church on Sundays. It was my escape. I became religious lay reader and listened to the sermons of a man who showed me a way to have a new life. Again, the feeling. It carried me through lonely nights and hard days. After becoming a Marine I went straight into work and didn’t step back into a church for 6 years. But I kept Jesus in my heart and mind.

I was not a faithful pray-er just the typical “God is great” blessings before meals or the occasional, “God help me.”   I couldn’t get a handle on my life. I was now the single parent of two kids.  I had no money and was  in survival mode. I had become a marijuana user and became dependent on the escape. The hits kept coming. In 2007 I met my husband and for once I had a family, reliable transportation, a home and I belonged to a group of people who loved me. I began going to church, kept the kids involved and thought, “Ok, God, I survived the struggle.  Now lets see who you really are!”  Three years later sitting in a hospital in Tampa, Florida,  I was told what no wife wants to hear,  “It’s terminal.  There’s nothing left for us to do. You need to call in hospice.”  I stared at the doctor team in disbelief. With three children ages 6, 5 and 1 year old, I made the arrangements. His mother was a Wiccan and did not believe in God but I knew my last duty as a wife for him was to call the pastor and have him speak to him about salvation. I knew enough to know there’s only one way to heaven. He accepted Christ and passed a couple days later.

I again found myself in waters that were all to familiar. A single mom, hurt, alone and now broken as much as any person can be. I attempted to reunite with my mother, step father and siblings as they were moving to a tiny town called Graham, Texas. I bought a home and thought things with my mother were on the mend and I was going to be ok.  A couple days into being here my step father did his normal; became obnoxiously drunk and told me under no circumstances was I welcome to move to Texas and if I stayed he would make my and my mother’s lives a living hell. So here I was thinking I was as broken as I could be and Satan came in and knocked me down for what he thought was the final count. I will admit I thought that too. But God!  I called the realtor and backed out of the house  purchase and ran back to Florida. I went and found my daughter’s father and moved close to him. He was the only familiar face I could find. Quickly I was surrounded by people and the feeling of lonely went away. Drinking, smoking and drugs came flooding back into my life. I stayed a functioning mother and limited myself to drinking and smoking, thinking, “Everyone does that so it’s not that bad.  After all God had given me no choice!”  That was my excuse. It seemed that as much as I had fought for God, he just didn’t come through for me. The people around me were the furthest thing from God. I was surrounded by poverty, addiction, sin beyond anything any Christian would ever dream of. I felt like I was in hell and this was just the cards I was dealt. God didn’t want me. I had been damaged goods since I was a child. After all he gave me to two parents who never seemed to want me anyways. After moving three times I ended up in Palm Beach County, Florida.  Little did I know this is where my life was going to change.

I was away from all the negative people but back to being alone. I was introduced to a homeless lady and after a month I asked her to live with me and take care of the kids and house so I could work. Even working two jobs, I was barely making it. My kids were hungry, and keeping the bills paid was all I could do. Then Jason (who is now my husband) came into my life. We met at my nighttime job. Jason was a mess of his own; captured by alcohol addiction. The first night I saw him, that feeling came back and took me by complete surprise. I tried to shake it off, doubting I would ever see him again. Sure enough the next afternoon he was at the bar. We spent the next month together. Then tragedy came swooping back in, which I now believe was God. My light bill was around $780 and the electricity turned off. Jason took me and my kids to his mothers house where you could feel the presence of God almost as soon as you walked in the door. She convinced me that I needed to reach out to my family for help. I knew this was a lost cause but I did what she asked. My grandmother said she would take my kids but not me. Now homeless I took my kids to her and went back to Palm Beach where I lived in a hotel. My car was repossessed and I lost all hope. Jason lived with his grandparents and five kids and there was no room for me. I was too big of a mess for them to help. But Jason stayed around helping me and he became the only person I could depend on. He found me a room to rent at a friends house and I just existed in life. I struggled with his addiction but dealt with it because I had no one else. Eight months later I got my income tax refund and Jason had them evict me. Heartbroken to leave the only person I had to depend on I went to my grandmothers and she allowed me to stay for a week. I went and got a car and a home and the kids and I were reunited. I was back where my husband passed away in my home town and miserable. All I felt was the horror of my past. I called Jason to thank him for all he had done and asked him to come see the house and he did. We stayed together and relocated back to Palm Beach. His mother began speaking of God to me and I began to feel that feeling again. We started church again and life was pushing on. We were both still in addiction but we functioned. I began to feel that this is wrong, this isn’t living, its just a higher level of survival mode. It was still sinful, dramatic and just junk. We had God in our lives but God is a jealous God and our lifestyle did not match that of a Christ-like lifestyle. Jason was arrested and sentenced to 3 years in prison for multiple DUIs. So here I was now pregnant with Olivia, three kids and not able to pay my bills on my own. My mother had divorced my step father so I reached out to her and she was also a single mom with three older children at home. (My siblings and I are 11-17 years apart). We were finally in a place where we could help one another and, at 33, I moved in with my mom.

I began going back to church at Faith Center in Graham. About a year later my oldest daughter asks to start going to Oak Street Baptist for Wednesday nights. I began to notice the difference in her as she found her place among the youth. I began dropping my kids off for Wednesday nights and began meeting others in the church through my kids. One woman took it upon herself to be a vessel and be obedient to God and took me under her wing. She loved on me and my kids, poured into us and was every model of a Christian I had ever seen. She helped me to find Celebrate Recovery where I began my recovery from all the things that had hurt me. I began attending OSBC. Six months into the program I felt a calling to step away from Celebrate recovery and get into the church. Scared to death and feeling so unworthy, destroyed and a hypocrite, I applied for the position in the nursery. I needed financial help and this gave me a sense of belonging. I quickly fell in love with teaching children about Jesus. They reminded me of that fire I had long ago for a man sent to save me from sin. Soon after, my son came and told me he wanted to be baptized. I knew in that moment that I needed to do the same. I thought back to when my older daughters asked to be baptized and I failed them as a mother. I did not model a Christ-like lifestyle. I did not walk in the ways the church spoke of. Through sin I lead my daughters down a hard road to remain faithful to God. My son and I were baptized on the same day. I went to a class that briefly explained what it meant to be baptized and join the OSBC family. Scared to death, I gave my life to Christ. I had no idea what that meant or how to hold either my 9 year old son or myself accountable for our decisions. I stayed in the nursery for two years and that was how I attended church twice a week. I made the decision to leave the nursery to step out into learning more about God. I finally felt clean enough to mingle among the congregation and my shame began to fade as I searched for answers to the questions I had asked for so long. What is this? Who is this? How do I really get to know Jesus?

So now here I am five years later and God has called me into a Master’s of Art in Christian Ministry program. The Holy Spirit lives within me. I am able to understand God a lot better and to be obedient to his will. God chose me long ago and through all my pain, struggles and suffering he kept a flame lit in me. I was lost, I wondered far away but he called me home. He gave me a testimony and a purpose. He took what the enemy meant for evil and he turned it to good.