…about God’s Story in Tamara
The dictionary meaning of the Greek root for my name is “palm tree.” The life meaning for me is a palm tree in the desert of a real world with roots unseen underground in Him who gives life. But it has not always been that way! My name sounded more like a synonym of a divided kingdom, torn and burdened... I was born in a village almost in the geographical center of Crimea (at that time, Autonomy Republic of Ukraine), in the heart of plains with strong winds, sand and dust, but surrounded with a ring of tall mountains and refreshed by waters of the Azov and Black seas.
My world was divided. The dearest and closest person in my life was stuck and squashed between my conservative strong-willed Christian grandmother, the church, my dad, who was not a believer, and a world where her charisma was consistently bringing her to the top of it.
As for the blessed roots, I had them too, calling and convicting. My great-grandmother was the first one in my lineage to believe and did she believe hard! Her daughter, my afore mentioned grandmother, was raised singing and learning the Bible. My mother was the oldest of her four children. She was the hope and heir of all my grandmother’s dreams. My dad, young and shy, but strong, came into my mom's life when she was sweet 18 and they got pregnant with my oldest brother before they were married. It broke my grandmother’s heart which was never to be completely restored. I was born as a breeze of new hope, the last unexpected blessing, new beginning, and, at the same time, object under close control. I loved church as long as I can consciously remember. My mom was happy there. She was in her mid-thirties and in need of Him. She tried to bring me to church almost every Sunday even though we had to take the train to another town long before the sunrise. There was no doubt in my mind that God existed. I especially loved choir and life stories preachers would use in sermons. But, surrounded by "churchy" lifestyle and limited exposure to the world, I did not truly know Him or that I needed to walk WITH Him.
New season - new dilemma. Naturally, as time passed and we had a church planted in our village, I got heavily involved in youth ministry and worship, while, at the same time, reading about amazing life commitment of Daniel, Paul, George Muller and others, I sensed that something was lacking in all the "doing".
New season - new dilemma. I developed asthma and was placed at the medical center situated at the beautiful beach city of Yalta to receive a year-long treatment. There for the first time on my own surrounded with different aged kids, I had to face the giant of popularity produced by an inherited natural charsima versus a nagging feeling of getting dirty and sinking; inner purity with massive humiliating in-your-face oppression from outside. Maybe, I wondered, baptism is a secret weapon?
I was baptized right in the middle of all that strife and started intensely desiring to be faithful. It soon became obvious that it was not enough. After almost 2 years, I returned home and was welcomed by yet another "adventure".
New season - new dilemma. My family changed. My parents could not spend a moment without arguing or fighting. I was torn...
My mom passed in 2002. WHY?? Would I have gotten to heaven if I were with her in the car? Did SHE get to heaven?
My dad went crazy, harsh, scared, lost, without hope, and I was not helpful. He took his life in summer 2003. I was not even home. I was ministering to kids in another village while my dad needed me most (or so I thought).
After the deaths of my parents, my oldest brother became my guardian. His family was shattered by divorce but when he came to faith in Jesus, he was deeply convicted that he needed to restore his marriage and be a present father for his daughter. My sister-in-law, who was still an unbeliever, moved in with us. She was an unhappy and critical person who was very vocal about blaming myself and my parents for all her problems. Life was hard.
The last straw...Schindler's list. This man gave his life to save many, I seem to only break and take lives. So many thoughts ran through my head. I should not be here... I am a mistake... It will be so much better for everyone, even for God, if I just stop this parody and end this pointless journey of shame...Wait a second - God? What about this miraculous, loving, forgiving Creator God? Is He big enough to do something with the ruin of me? The Bible seems to imply this but IS IT TRUE??? Right now, right here - true??
“Will you come and save me?” I asked with razor in my hands, alone, in a separate building from my sleeping brother and his family... Sleep... I don't know or remember how I fell asleep...
When I woke up, He greeted me with hope, unexplainable joy and a new start. Nothing changed in the physical world. Everything changed inside of me. He was there. He was real!
He gathered up all the pieces, every division, confusion, all of it, in His hands and gave me the promise that from then on He will lead and guide my life through it all. He gave me a fulfilling education, the job of my dreams, a husband beyond any desires and the reward of two new lives! The passage from Philippians 3: 8-11 is the story of my life in Him:
"...count them [all things] as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and BE FOUND in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain resurrection from the dead."
PS:
Twenty years later - Dilemmas are plaguing my world, BUT He is still here! Bigger than the Universe! Closer than my skin! Dearer than my life!